I try to be a supportive friend. I truly, truly do. I try to be supportive and I try so hard not to be judgmental. However, despite the fact that I make these attempts, I realize that they don’t always turn out the way I want them to. Sometimes my support doesn’t come across the way it should. Sometimes my non-judgmental comments turn out to be even worse than others I could have made. I don’t know how to fix a problem like this – there is no fix. I don’t even know if it could be considered a “problem”. It isn’t their fault. The world can be a cruel and demeaning place and unfortunately, they get caught up in the whirlwind of it. We all do. Everything effects us all differently. I need to remind myself that just because I am not of the same opinion as them, even though I am trying to be supportive, sometimes I do a very bad job of it.
The last thing I want is to make this worse for them. It’s already hard enough as it is, and they are doing such an amazing job at trying to take care of themselves. I think my issue is that in the process of trying to take care of themselves, they are also pushing me away. At least, that’s what it feels like.
This time of year is always difficult for me. People leave me now. It’s the time of the year when people up and walk away, close the book and say it wasn’t that interesting, and shove me back on the shelf. Sometimes I don’t get picked up for months. Sometimes it’s longer. I haven’t had a connection with someone like this in a really, really long time, and letting them walk away is the last thing I want to do. I want them to rely on me and need me as much as I need them. Then again, considering how some issues of mine have been handled in the past, I wonder if I even should be relying on them. Needing them. I don’t know.
I feel like I’m at a standstill. The only thing I can do here is to make myself better. The only thing I can do is try to be better for myself, and in turn, try to be better for them. Please, I’m sorry, thank you, I love you.