It’s Monday evening, rather than Tuesday (at any point of the day), and I’ve been sitting and gazing at this blog every few hours over the last two days. You know, I’ve always been aware that writing a blog is hard. It’s dedication and commitment. Both of those things I tend to have a problem with. I think a lot of it comes down to lack of faith in myself, and also a lack of interest in my own day-to-day life. It makes me wonder what the point is of sitting down and writing things when I feel like there isn’t much to write about. I like to write things that stem from emotions, be them mine or not. I hadn’t realized that until someone else told me that the other day. There’s only one problem with that.
On a day to day basis, I like to bottle things up. I wouldn’t even say it’s a defense mechanism now – it’s just how things are. I bottle up my emotions and save them for a rainy day when depression comes knocking, and even then, it’s more like depression pulls out the cork just enough to cause a leak rather than a full tsunami. My depression is sneaky, and comes when it’s least expected. It makes life more difficult on the daily, but it does not make it impossible. Some days I think I appreciate it because of that, while other days I hate it.
You can’t even do depression all the way, I say to myself. Why would you be able to do anything else?
It’s a cruel little game I like to play on myself without ever really knowing it. Self-doubt lumbers in like the sad ogre that it is, something to be pitied, and I want so badly to strangle it and control it and force it to understand that there is worth in what I do.
These last few weeks have brought nothing but change. Subtle, small changes that have slowly grown insurmountable. They are unexpected and exciting and at the same time terrifying, and I don’t know what to do about them. They aren’t really things I feel comfortable writing about in a public setting, not just yet, but it’s something that makes me feel like I have to do things again. No matter how hard things may be. No matter how much I don’t want to or how little faith I have in myself and my craft. I’m thankful for these little things, little changes, and I hope I can hold on to them.
All of this is to say that I’m back now. I think I’ll be changing the days from Tuesday and Thursday to Monday and Wednesday, and we’ll consider an addition later if things go well. I know that no one really reads this, but I hope that everyone who does is doing well. I hope you can manage to take my words and find the little bit of strength you need to have faith in yourself, too. I know it’s hard. It’s not easy. If I can do it, I hope that you can too.